| Im in a weird spot? |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|07:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Drama blah | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Plain White Ts | ] |
Poll #861590 Your feelings crush me
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 0In genral how many other people feel like there drowning in a bi-polar nightmare? In genral how many of you are happy? In general how many of you are sad? In general how many of you are enraged? In general how many of you actually give a fuck? |
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| Something in this song is dragging me in |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|07:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Drama | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jets to brazil | ] |
You're Having The Time Of My Life Lyrics
when you become a stranger again
how closed your eyes will be
narrowing me to three short feet
across a room of drunken revelry
youre having the time of my life
and i love you much too late
there are things id like
when you say my name to me
like some amusing piece of food between your teeth
then i will know that its completely over
wont you say my name to me
youre having the time of my life
and i think you got it right
its an envy making green
says your eyes only see me
if i had another last chance
and we met again for the first time
i would listen to your heart
i would start back at the start
there are things id like to say
so many things id like to change |
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| Vivid believes might be challenged wants in your dreams |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|06:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Drama well kind of | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  im loved by you i think | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rock Kills Kid- Dream | ] |
Its quiet here the blur of butterfly outlines in colors blink around the large bed
Her long black hair falls around her shoulders outlining the pale flesh
A long white lacey cami covers her thin tiny body
Her eyes blink under long lashes sprayed with glitter
High cheek bones graced with glitter and a lipstick kiss in the coner of her mouth
A porclien doll wrapped under her arms
Long lace wedding dress blue eyes covered in a slip of silk around her eyes
Cold hands held under the cool warmth of the girls thin shoulders
The room, a snowy white vista except for the light black cording around the white lace of the bed and the black ribon traced around the girls bent wrist
The rainbow outlines of butterflies blinking on the roof
A women in a long black coat with tight black pants and hair short red amd gold
And a man in a similar outfit with black curls and metal rings
enter the room the stand hand in hand by the door way
walking towards the bed and kissing both cheeks and eyelids of the girl
the man kneals down and kisses the girl as the women
brushes the hair from the girls face and kisses her forhead
They move away from the girl in a dark shadow.
(I wrote it about something you'd never understand.) |
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| This boy and girl who care too much... |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|09:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | first period | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  they calm my soul and make me. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Float on -Modest mouse | ] |
Red And Yellow
More of a orange
With pale glorious flesh
Hands so warm and soft
Black with dye
Twined like ocean waves
With pale glorious flesh
Hands so warm and soft
Girl who looks like a boy
Boy who looks like both on different days
With pale glorious flesh
Hands so warm and soft
Words that a soft and lite with a feminie touch
Words that a warming and rolled with the masculine rush
Hands that hold to me
When i twitch in the dark
Black and brown
Dead strait
With pale dirty flesh
Hands cold and rough as stone
A girl boy who is everything
and nothing to compare
With pale glorious flesh
Hands so warm and soft
Holding me
Holding me
to them...
i don't deserve them.. |
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| Unicorns fuck goats at least mine does.... |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|08:46 am] |
I didn’t think I would be happy today but I tottally am. Lizzy is adorably dressed up in her nurse garp and Emily is all grungy in the chas slash jack sweater that’s never been washed I am in need of a sweater sometimes moms and dads are just always right but oh well. ????Jacks disappeared should I be worried no the crazy lady just called her aggh nicks late oh dear he’s probally still at tylers in a puppy pile of cuteness I can see it Chad passed out in a chair or somewhere on the floor little drool dripping off his chin tyler in a semi ball on the bed blankets rolling off of him and nick in a sprawl on the other side of the bed hair a big mess ooops end of day dream nick just came in wow I hope he isn’t late because the cars fucking up wonder if he has to do push ups. My typing is totally slowed because I have handcuffs on one wrist and there pinching aggh weres axl with the keys rar… Hey I talked to Courteny love this morning we aren’t arguing. Last night was cute other then me and ben getting into a big fight nick was over and Jackie made dinner for once big miricale and dad piffted for awahile mom was at a meeting for some time. We colored with nick did some stuff im not at liberty to say because the government would be angry hehe it was fun jac and nic were like bro and sis and micheala kept running around and pouncing on me I let her punch me in the face a couple times before nic came over and then walked around with blood all over my face. I even had it on my hands and I waved at a person when I was getting the mail and they got scared… It was hilarious leaned over a rail and watched the blood drip onto the rocks I got very hungry…. Smiles I love you all will talk again ltr. |
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| Im not angry .... uhhh yes you are your an angry angry lil boy girl.... huh |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|09:39 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | first period | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | KoRn Clown... Yeahhh | ] |
the worlds telling me im angry
the world being everyone
am i that angry?
on a side note ben doesn't make me calm anymore
weird i know but i saw him this weekend
and felt nothing
Nick and emily make me calm....
Boy do i love them....
Yeahhhh matt and me aren't arguing |
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| The theme in me right now |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|01:14 pm] |
Your Heart Is An Empty Room Lyrics
Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue
Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago
And all you see
Is where else you could be
When you're at home
Out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone
The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
'Cause you knew you were finally free
'Cause all you see is where else you could be when you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
And all you see is where else you could be
When you're at home
There on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone |
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| I was just a ghost by your side you never noticed me |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|12:45 pm] |
Im sitting next to you
I hung off of her
at lunch
because
from that
angle i could
look at you
and hide it.
Im sitting next to you
I have the music up real loud
all day
because
at this decible
i can just
glance at
you with the music.
Im sitting next to you
In a short skirt
cause i wanted you to
see the bruises
that i got
when i jumped
off the roof
this weekend
Im sitting next to you
not talking
because im scared
i lost my chance.
So im sitting next to you
waiting for you
to make an action. |
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| This girl i know... with the name of LA Em |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|09:42 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | im putting myself together now | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Date Rape Sublime | ] |
This girl
shes a gift
she holds me when i have
nobody
when my boy goes the way
away from me
she puts me together
willing to write in my name
she dresses me when im in rags
she drugs me when i need something
to stop a murder of a detox
she gives me
the shelter of
a wing
of a kiss
wether it be on the
mouth one day
for now its on the cheek
why did god give her to
someone so undeserving like me.... |
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| poem about a news article about the three dead babies who died from heparin |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|09:03 am] |
Thin and Weak
We left you alone in a room
We thought you would be safe
Warm and clean
Straight from the womb.
One Two Three
You were are gift God’s little angel.
Mommy held you once in tired arms.
Daddy kissed your little fingers and toes.
One Two Three
It was a normal night.
Daddy watched you tucked in.
Left you in her care.
We believed you were safe.
Are little bundle in pink.
So daddy kissed you good night.
And two mommy he went to meet.
One Two Three.
And while they dined on hospital Jell-O.
The Dawn was over thrown.
But the night.
Nurse.
One Two Three
Only five days with you
Our bundle of joy.
Nothing to awake to on the fifth.
One Two Three
You body thinned from the mislead gift.
Medication in the dose made for a man.
Not our little girl
Not the needles mark.
One Two Three
No amount of counsel will
Numb the loss.
Of our little girl in pink.
She was blessed by God.
But nothing did stop her from becoming.
A third little soul lost.
ONE TWO THREE. |
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| Lies from a pathological wanna nun.... Runner |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|03:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School ... sucks | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | MARYLIN MANSON | ] |
Quick question
lock her down
morose
lucky day
gone ari
we know that we know
we don't sell out
our
bodies, minds, or souls
so next time
im lying next to you
speaking in your ear
tell me im a liar
and a whore
we know that we know
we don't sell
we know that we know
we don't care
about your
ideas
your mind
you body
your lust
She was just looking
for
some love
and when you wanted to
she took it...
So when you remeber what she
used to be you
will hate yourself
you killed the part in her that rebeled that
we know the we know
we don't
we know that we know
that you don't care
anymore. |
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| Tweakers denial |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|03:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Back at school | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  seal me shut and defy me | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | MARYLIN MANSON | ] |
undeserving
child like adult
shes corrupt
unsafe volital if you want
gasoline to the flame
she's gonna exploded
into pink smoke from tip to bottom
you'll be soaked in her
hate
pain
lust
wants
and needs
unwarented
unesscary
causer
of your own
pain.
She wants
to be tough
the biggest badass on the block
but she comes out
young meek
and undeserving
of you
and your power.
She is as safe as she is
SANE |
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| CAN SOMEONE FILL MY CUP OF JOY? |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|11:21 am] |
Give me a glass
of hope and lust
i fucked my brother
now he wants his cup
of love back
give me a glass
of hope and lust
i kissed my mother
and now she wants her cup of
love back
give me a glass
of hope and lust
i hugged my father
and now he wants his cup of
love back
i gave them back
then i asked you
do you see the empty glass inside of me
can you fill it
with hope and lust
you said no
but i can give you love
and i asked for my cup
back....
I never believed in someone filling my empty cup till i met you.
I love the enemy my love is the ENEMY. |
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| This just spilled from her lips onto the keys |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|11:14 am] |
Call me what you want
bitch whore maybe even a cunt
they all fit well within the confines of me
i don't do well with the truth and lies are my game
eat them beat them
lunch dinner and breakfast
what good does it do
other then to fuck you
i have no choice but to go on
to scared to die
or live as the worlds anti sex symbol
i loved it when you sang
whats your name girl
i told you
im a bitch and cunt a whore
you said just my type
i said maybe i was just blue
you said then whats your name when your yellow
its dandillion never will be one again
you picked me beat away my fluff
no im gray thats what i am
im some where in between the fuck and you..... |
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| i wrote this morning |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|08:36 am] |
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The Scream grew. It was a vicious scream a undying wave of screams, a lashing and chilling scream ; it was a cold hand on your own mouth, a resonating frame of sound , a banshee awakening , a covering of the ears , an undertow of fear ; it was a scream to block out all sound and all feeling of peace. It came by the mouth of a child and the blink of a eye and it ripped through your body with a knifes skill and it sliced into the soft flesh of your ears, raising the hair on your neck and pulling wide your eyes. It burned mans ears to the use of a blind mans eyes it screamed in a skilled fashion of tortueand it never seemed to waver |
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| IM SO HAPPY |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|08:02 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | first period | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nirvana | ] |
ITS RAINING ITS RAINING YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Quick thoughts surronding the cliff side of doubt |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|08:37 am] |
Its pretty outside you know. World I feel funny I went to nicks yesterday and we talked about the hard stuff that’s clouding my mind. I got my boots by the way I will take pictures soon enough. I have nothing fantastic to say other then cornbread comes out in mounds of chunky goo when you puke it back up it wasn’t my fault you know I didn’t want to eat it any way. Well whatever all I want is the rain that’s like all I really want. The only problem is even though its my favorite weather I am out of remission when it comes to my arthritis and it hurts real bad last night was torture. I don’t really know right now how everything thing is my minds kind of in a fog I told nick yesterday when I was curled up under the tie dye blanket were I spill all of my secrets it seems that I am afraid im going back to that place that I go to at least once a year. It scares me because I thought I was past it plus when I am in it is so hard to feel infinite but its sinking on me like wet jeans you know how hard they are to pull off. I was sitting in my room yesterday with a cup of tea and this song that’s all about winter and all of a sudden I was on the ground I blanked on how I got there I was kind of in a huddle by the window looking up through the drapes at the sky the song was loud enough so I could still hear it this has been happening a lot its just one of the signs I fear that means im going back I really don’t want to because therapy never cured it and neither does the pills I take it makes me weird it makes me un sara like I get self conscious I stop acting like the freak I am I go dark and moody I cry a lot which is something I hate doing it makes me feel like a fake like a liar burying myself in self pity and it seems pointless to fight it. I don’t know how im gonna explain it to matt or Emily when they ask me whats wrong because I really don’t want to scare them the last time I got this bad it was kurtis and ben that pulled me out of it they had to drag me back to the surface and it was hard because though my spirit wanted release my body and mind were numb to the context of being happy and infinite again I hate the idea of going back to being broody and over emotional and I know I cant go to ben with it because he has to much shit on his mind to deal with me right now I don’t want to scare matt or Emily and I don’t want nick to feel like its his fault I don’t know why im spilling this stuff it’s a melodrama and I hate it I like being infinite I don’t like this ball of blackness seeping into my veins like a damn broken fountain pen so im going to go on fighting it just releasing it enough so it doesn’t over flow but I wont let it run its course like a fever or infection in my body that’s wrong I should be strong enough to control my own emotions because if I cant do that then I cant control anything so I will fight do you believe I can win I wont break down and cry I wont let the angsty child beat me because its bullshit. I want to be Infinite. And I will be its my right I won’t let anyone else or anything in my brain or body take it away this is my last year of highschool I cant spend it awash in a sea of melodrama so I wont. On a side note I am sick again with the raging fever and chills that seem to become a routine maybe the infections are taking advantage of the last year of close range attacks. |
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| AHH I LOVE LOVE YOU ALL!!! |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|10:03 am] |
WHY HELLO WORLD .... that needs to be in big big font
Im so good today its really really nice im getting my boots with matt tommorow.
Nick looks fucking adorable he bought himself a new sweater and it looks lovely even though its world warcraft (YUCK) but whatever he has his hair down and is wearing sunglasses and looks lovely.... AHH BLISS
Emily is so sweet she gave me sleeves today shes so so nice to me i love her i wrote a letter.
Last night was nice i went to nicks when he was out in town and slept waiting for psych to start i played with the kittens and left real cute notes i was gonna make dinner but the kitchen was a super mess blah.
So whatever i went to psych and emily and me had fun the poor lady who did the game thing was so lost but i love her. Well i love you all. When i went home i had super super fun dad was wahoo and made me eggs and we all had fun we watched tv as a family and mommie was real sweet and everything was super infinite but ohh well i really hope it happens again i made tea and forgot it woops my bad kit cat will drink it ohh well im gonna go now i hope you like the pics im in such a nice world love you bye.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
* times a million * |
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| The Big WORDS shurnk |
[Sep. 26th, 2006|11:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The lounge yeah boring | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper means real happy right | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | BRAND NEW and BRIGHT EYES | ] |
Hello WORLD. So how are you? Me doing good you know rocking the whole new hair style. What you didn’t know what do you mean new hair style? Oh I haven’t told you last night I DYED MY HAIR BLACK!
I had a good time on the coast but its to late to talk about that im in a different place. Mac and Lisha have been married for five days yeah! Today I am well yesterday I was in a tight place un easy cause me and the boy were fighting again and La Em wasn’t here. But today is good everyone loves the hair I stole my boys gloves and look like a little british homeless kid in ratty jeans and a loose gray t-shirt and vest from Ecuador and the gloves and THE HAIR! Mom and dad don’t like it but their cool about letting me express myself my dad drove us today in his flaming orange truck and some great tunes were playing and for the first time ever I was infinite with my dad it was weird as living hell. I have my Emily with me today she loves the hair shes sitting right next to me and she seems ok which makes me happy cause lately I have been really worried about my La Em cause she seems down but maybe the world just looks a lot happier with black hair. Man MATT is like man I love him so so so so so much its unbelievable this kid is like god he loves me like I am his sister but even more he treats me with just love its amazing I want to thank god for him he did the real nasty swampy job so we can get my boots this weekend and man he just did it for me he had to muck around in yuck for money but he did it because he loves me that much never before have a meet someone like him he seems to undyingly care he makes me feel like the world is good in some way I know I know he can make it all ok I love him so much he and em and nick and liz and them are the only reason I willingly came back from the coast otherwise I would say fuck it and stay in Mac’s apartment. I just I must have done something really really good in my past life to deserve them and all I want to do and say is I LOVE YOU mucho mas times a billon back good if I could do what they do for me I totally would I love you world and I will talk to you latter. |
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| The Art of breathing isn't hard in fact its to easy |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|12:17 pm] |
Good god this morning was insane mommy was all rar rar rar about nobody doing anything last night when but see I was doing my psych test ahh god it was horrible. I’m kind of squishy head this morning I was given benydrayl last night so I could concentrate on not sneezing me brains out. Im really worried about a lot of people me and nick are just getting over our argument im not going to say what it was about but it hurt a lot there’s a lot of shit going on around here its like were all drowning in a see of assholes im trying to keep from sinking Rob told me to hold out till Friday when were all at the coast cause he knows I can breath if I just get myself out of here but I really wish I could bring some of my fellow drowning in the sea of assholes with me. I want to get matt out of here cause I just really want to see him smile I know its selfish but this boy makes my life float his happiness makes it all seem so real he’s so responsible but he is still a kid I think he’s amazing he does everything to help me and jack I thank god for giving me matt I think I would be lost with out him plus you know a guy is a true friend when he willing pulls up weeds in a swamp to get money for your birthday boots you know he’s true blue in the way he shares lunches with you and his bestfriend is a dog who he lets you sleep with under his bed. I wan’t to take Emily with me just because I know she would love it up there I want to see if she would run in the water with me or lamely build sand castles or help me look for shells I just want to walk in the current with her she makes life still makes me feel normal and true to the world she makes my mistakes right she makes everything rainbow technoclor and joy. I just love hugging her or how she leans against me when I’m cold or how she shares money to make sure I eat how she signed a paper promising not to hurt my coat or duck how she kisses my cheek and helps me walk she makes it all ok. I want to bring Chris with me I won’t say why I just do she needs to be away from this darkness I want to give her peace. I would say I want to take nick but in some ways I need this time with my friends I need to walk with ben and rob and know their ok and nicks presence would cloud that I want to have a bon fire maybe we can cause I always love seeing ben’s face in the flames he kind of glows when he’s not stuck in this dead end town. I hope that this weekend is all I hope it will be I really want it to be amazing Emily is letting me borrow her camera so I can take some pics to commerate everything. Make it even better im gonna collect little things and bring them back for everyone. I want to live free for three days make it a commeration to life make it the three day of infinity. I still don’ know who im riding up there with but oh well I want to ride back with ash to remember the last time on the coast which was beautiful. Oh yeah im buying hair dye today black love you all see you ltr.
Their reply was: |
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leddreamer's journal
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